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Thursday, September 21st, 2006

Subject:cold, black kisses
Time:9:35 pm.
i never have thought that i would be the kind of person to bequeath the world a great treasury of personal correspondences and diaries.
i suppose it's worthwhile to wonder if i've internalized the self-interrogation process to a point that it feels like duplication of effort to go back and write it all down. not that i'm intimately familiar with many great diarists, but i think they must have a need and/or drive to catalogue lines of personal inquiry that i do not share.

also, i'm incredibly hermitous and the thought of broadcasting personal philosophical grapples is, how you say, physically repugnant.

but tonight the rain comes down like cold, black kisses and i remember why i am in love with autumn.

on a life and its ordinarinessCollapse )
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Tuesday, November 30th, 2004

Time:7:22 pm.
one asks: what is love to us? it is only through the accidents of a random universe that our lives touch.

fundamentally meaningless.
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Monday, November 29th, 2004

Subject:on the benefits of intellectual flirting
Time:7:21 pm.
looking at myself is like looking through a broken lens. there's so much to see, but from every vantage point it's different.

i made this journal so that i could cycle through the angles, look at all the different things i see, and when i'm done, try to hold it all in my mind and see myself anew, see myself more complete.

when we meet a new person, the way we choose to represent ourselves to that person is one of the possible angles of the lens. intellectual flirting is a game where, in trying to introduce yourself to someone else, you come to know that much more about yourself. you meet the you you'd like the person you're flirting with to meet.

it's a struggle. what can i say that will adequately convey what i see when i look inward with my mind's eye?

in bodily interactions, you frequently have to choose which part of yourself to inhabit. you have to choose which parts of you the person you're interacting with would find appealing, which they can relate to, which they have no interest in. you put the other parts of yourself on hold, hope to find another person who wants to see that part of yourself so that it doesn't just live inside you.

there are parts of me i've been putting on hold for so long that i've forgotten they're in there.

time to turn the lens again.
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Tuesday, July 13th, 2004

Time:11:44 am.
Mood:my fingers are cold.
i feel it's about the time i say something, though i'm not sure what.

the problem with any journal, poem, piece of art, explanation, cry for help, etc., is that it must (necessarily) be limited to a narrow slice of the problem (namely, mysef).
as always, the attempt to represent yourself to the world colors what you say/do/write.
it is left with the taint of showmanship, at the cost of introspection.
this is not to say that i want this journal to pierce the heart of introspection at the cost of showmanship; after all, this expensive liberal arts education i'm getting has to be put to some use somewhere.
i do intend to be concise and (hopefully) consistent, as much as can be maintained by my crazed and twisted personality (mind-bendingly so, yet not more than anyone else. people are complicated, and i wouldn't have them any other way).

i've never actually kept a journal in the old-fashioned manner.
i rather want to give it a try. not with dates, places, events and annotations, but with pointed introspection that is useful to the continued development of my person.
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LiveJournal for Zirak.

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